Warning.

This may be the most boring,  rambling and self indulgent blog post I’ve written yet.

Seriously… I’m not kidding!

Apologies.

These days I feel like i’m going crazy.

I’ve been trying to make sense of things recently.

I don’t understand anything any more.

Forgive me if this sounds a little autistic.

I don’t think I’ve ever been great at relationships. I’ve always tried to be honest and direct in my communication with people. Still, I don’t think I have many “intimate” relationships.

What is a “relationship” anyway?  Apparently it is the way in which “two or more people or things are connected“. Apparently, “intimate” means, “a close familiarity or friendship”;  a “friend” is a “person with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically one exclusive of sexual or family relations“; and “affection” means “a gentle feeling of fondness or liking“.

Doesn’t sound like a big deal.

(See what I mean by boring! I’ve turned into a nutcase whose Googling definitions of random banal words. (….while we’re at it – “banal” means “lacking in originality as to be obvious and boring“….)).

I’m a fairly open person and enjoy talking to people.

I guess I’ve never been great at being vulnerable in front of other people though.

Is that required for “close familiarity”?

I don’t know.

Apparently “vulnerable” means being “exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally”. Maybe that’s why.

I’ve never been great at talking to people about anything to do with my past. I’d recoil if I was ever asked about it in any way. It made me uncomfortable and I’ve always found it painful to think about. I guess I felt ashamed about how things turned out, and things that happened. I guess I always blamed myself. I couldn’t understand why things were so bad.

As I got older, I began to understand that it wasn’t just me. I grew up surrounded by some seriously dysfunctional people. I’ve never been great at opening up to people about it. Mainly because I don’t see the need.  The past is best forgotten.

But then, maybe that’s how you cultivate “intimacy”. By showing people what you’re afraid of, or struggle with? But then I don’t believe that people want to know or see people’s struggles, do they?

I have lots of friends. I’ll happily speak to anyone if I’m in the mood for it. A bit like my dad. He’ll happily talk to anyone but then has no relationship with his own children.

It always bothered me when I was a kid – how I was surrounded by adults who would say one thing, but act in a different way. It was confusing and drove me insane.

Even now, it annoys me when people disingenuously throw words around.  Talk is cheap. Words don’t mean anything.

It’s one reason I would get angry with people who would say one thing, but act contrary to whatever they claimed.  I’m better at dealing with that now. Although, I’m still not the most forgiving person when it happens. I need to work on that.

A friend of mine suggested that it’s “trust” I’m talking about.  Apparently, “trust” is “a firm belief in the reliability, truth or ability of someone or something“. I can see what she means. Maybe it’s the unreliability or the inconsistency of it all that frustrated me the most.

Recently I’ve heard “we are here to support you”.

What does that mean?

According to Google – “support” means “to bear all or part of the weight or give assistance to“. I don’t really know how people who use that word hope to do what it means, especially given their lack of involvement, or action. Maybe they know they can’t, but want to say it anyway?

I don’t know.

People say “I love you” or “I care about you“.

I don’t know what that means any more either.

All my early life I was frustrated by people saying things like that, and then behaving abusively. It completely devalued those words to me.

Apparently “care” means to “feel concern or interest; or attach importance to something“. People tend to reserve the word “love” for sexual relationships or family, but “love” apparently just means “a strong feeling of affection or a great interest or pleasure in something”.

I feel affectionate i.e. “a gentle feeling of likeness” towards most people I think.

Does that mean I love most people to some degree?  Is that possible?

I think you’re super lucky if you have a loving family. People assume that all families “love” each other. But, just because you are born into a family, doesn’t mean that those people will automatically have a “strong feeling of affection or interest in you”. Does that mean that there is something wrong with that child if that’s the case? I used to think so. Now, I don’t think that’s true.

Family is largely overrated. People go on about how “family is the most important thing in the world” but then can’t stand it when they see someone else in their family doing well, are pretty cruel to each other, and can’t be bothered to make any time or effort to “love” or “care” for each other. If you “love” someone, surely shouldn’t you be happy for them? Take an interest in them? I guess there’s a certain expectation of loyalty that comes with family.

I will always do what I can to look after and support my family as best I can.

People are different I guess.

I don’t understand much any more.

Maybe I never did, and maybe that’s okay?

Maybe I don’t need to understand, or maybe no one does.

I think we’ve all got better things in life to be getting on with right now…